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Monday, May 22nd, 2017
10:12 pm - Long time

I still miss him. Of course he came in on a Monday....to assist with a c-section. We saw each others couple of times and the he came up to me today hey. I know he has to miss me a little.....or at least the attention I give him. I really miss him & love him. I'm trying to distance myself & be patient. Also trying to let him focus on his family.

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Saturday, March 11th, 2017
2:14 pm

Not sure why I'm journaling.

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Tuesday, March 7th, 2017
9:51 pm

I pray that God will give me a clear sign. I feel horrible that I'm so in love with this man. Yet everything is so blurry. I know I'm in love but that doesn't mean he's meant for me.

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Sunday, February 26th, 2017
9:53 pm - Church/weird

So today I saw him singling in the choir & then he did the scripture reading.

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Friday, February 24th, 2017
9:44 pm - Sadness

My heart aches for him.

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Friday, February 10th, 2017
9:42 pm - Contact

I can count the 3 (oh!

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Sunday, February 5th, 2017
8:07 pm - Stuff sorta

I feel like I wanted to post something about him before my last shift with him.

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Saturday, January 7th, 2017
12:50 pm - Sadness

Apparently his Colorado vacation got cut short this time around due to his mother having multiple strokes just before the new year.

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Thursday, December 22nd, 2016
6:24 pm - 2016

So.

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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2016
12:21 pm - Thanksgiving -almost

Remember last year when he "ate my pie?

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Monday, October 31st, 2016
11:35 am - Forgiveness

I can't stop my feelings & I can't stop judging myself.

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Wednesday, October 5th, 2016
8:53 pm - bi-polar monents

I don't understand what his deal is. Yesterday I had a delivery with him & he hardly spoke to me. Today I went in to catch a baby in his delivery .....which ended up being a naughty baby & he never said one word to me. This is all after he specifically requested me to help him one on one w/His Cerner order sets.

Why is he being this way? So frustrating. But it makes me a little angry too.

Sometimes hate men.

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Friday, September 2nd, 2016
12:57 pm - just sometimes

I wish I could just keep my feelings to myself.

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Monday, August 29th, 2016
9:43 pm - I dunno....

Yes, it's about him.

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Sunday, August 21st, 2016
6:07 pm - missing you

This sucks. I've seen him once in the last 5 weeks since I got that text. I miss him so much. I wonder if he misses me. Is he over it since we haven't seen one another? Or he's just a guy & ae to compartmentalize & he's working on saving his marriage. I seriously can't wait to get to work & see him. I just hope that he wants to see me too. I can't stop loving him. I've tried for 2 years. And I know he's been attracted to me for over 2 years. He literally & figuratively grabbed my attention. And now this. He gets to have control the entire 2.5 years. He started it & he (well she) ended it. Fuck. I can't wait to see him. I hope his parents are doing ok. I don't even know that info. Ugh! How do you make yourself stop loving someone? Especially when you don't want to?

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Friday, July 29th, 2016
7:35 pm
I know we've gone longer without out talking or seeing one another.....esp in the last 2.5 years that we've been attracted to one another....but I miss him. I can't help but wonder if he misses me. It's been 5 days now since we've texted. Longer since we've worked together. Even though I miss him....I'm hoping I don't see him at work prior to going to michigan. I want him to miss me. A lot.
We were becoming inseperable in a way. Addicted to one another. I truly love the man.

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Monday, July 25th, 2016
1:35 pm - Is it the end?
Honestly, my heart is broken. T & I have been texting. A lot. Last 2 months we don't go more than 3 days without contact. If I don't reach out, he does. Mostly about his parents declining health. I've been there for him. As a shoulder anyway. I feel privileged that he trusts me enough to open up about some of his feelings & just what's going on with them. Including his disappointment that his family vacation had to be cancelled cuz his father fell & couldn't use his legs...so he had to stay & be his mothers care taker. But everything changed last night. I am
nervous & sad. Is everything going to come to a complete halt? Is this the end? Or maybe just for now. How do I act when I see him next? Normal? Distant? How is he gonna act. My friend Brandon says it's all business from here on out. He's probably right. T is such a good man. I know that even if there are many problems and he's not happy, he wants his marriage to work. He's got so many other things bringing him down, his parents health, his kids all about to leave the house & who knows what else.

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Friday, July 15th, 2016
10:22 am
We hardly talked or saw each other wed night. I know he still likes the attention but part of me feels as though he's pulling back some. I'm just gonna follow his lead. When his text ends with "have a good weekend" & it's Thursday morning I guess that means don't text him. Or I'm just sensitive & reading into it cuz that's what I do. However, he's more passive aggressive than I am ... Or at least he has been in this whole thing in the last year & a half. I don't think I'm going to see him for the next month. My schedule is opposite what he works & he's leaving for Colorado but as soon as he gets back I'll be going to michigan. Sigh..... I really want this man. So so much. I don't want to tell him. I'm not going to. I refuse to express my feelings. He's not that type if guy either so it's gonna either fizzle out or he's gonna have to be the one to take the next step. I hate how he lures me to make all the moves. That's why I was shocked that he touched me on the 4th. I haven't touched since we've started texting. I want to. I just want to know that he wants me too. I have to back off.

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Wednesday, July 13th, 2016
12:45 pm - Torn
Everyday is a struggle. We talk/text almost every day. If I don't reach out to him, he reaches out to me. We are becoming inseperable. I love & also hate how drawn to one another we are. He's depressed... From what I gather it's about the aging process & the thought of losing his parents. He's opening up to me. He talks to me & tells me about his adventures with his youngest daughter. I know he trusts me because It appears as though these are sacred people in his life. I feel as though we are developing a friendship. I still pray for strength to let go & walk away. It's just getting harder. As time goes on & the more we talk & text....the more I want to be the woman waking up next to him every single morning. I feel we both struggle with our attraction & try to distance ourselves at times but then like a magnet we are pulled together with a strong force/desire.
I'm kinda bothered by my feelings. Tonight I work & I don't want to. I don't want to face him. I don't want to try & ignore him. I just don't want to see him or work with him for awhile. I think it might help. On the 4th we worked night shift together & it sucked. At one point at the end of shift at 530 am I thought my pt was going to be a c/s & he asked if he thought my doc would ask him to assist. He said if she needed him for me to just call him. When he said that he placed both hands on my shoulders & kinda rubbed them. This man does not touch people. I have not touched him since we started texting. All I want is to touch him.
I love that he likes when I'm his nurse for his patients. I just love how much we long for each other but we can't do anything about it.

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Thursday, May 12th, 2016
12:15 pm - No words....kinda
So.....I'm just falling so in love with him. We have been texting since April 24th. He's been sharing his music with me. A lot. I'm just making an assumption here but I feel I must be filling a void. I've thought for awhile something was missing at home. Last week I was in ante partum (groan***) he was the main man on. So I actually got to see him several times. Nobody visits there...the other nurses kinda leave you to your own devices. I feel like he and I have these strong morals yet our attraction is getting stronger. We are not yet inseparable but we are slowly drawing closer, more & more. I admitted a new pt. He had to come see her & give me orders. He turned that into a 3 or 4 visit task. It was about us. I know I'm not delusional. He loves the attention. In the morning when he saw my pt's he made it a 2 visit task & I took his pic. I he didn't really pose but I still got the best smile ever out of him. Anyway... My pt in the afternoon... Was sent to the hospital in the middle of the anatomy scan visit. It was a lot of begging & prodding but I was able to convince him to do it there in the hospital & I wrote it in an envelope for them to view at a later date. They were elated. So was I. He also was pulling up a song at the nurses station afterwards & of course my phone rang. He tried to pause it & thought he lost all of his music. After a few minutes of sitting across from him & watching him panic (I thought he was going to cry..,) I walked around the desk & he stood, frozen. I was expecting him to hand me his phone. Instead I had to intertwine my arms with his & try to show him what I was suggesting. And yay! The music reappeared!!! As we were wrapped in each other's arms....another nurse happened to walk by & wanted me to know she saw us because she said "bye tiffani." After she had passed by. He didn't budge. I was a little embarrassed. He feels so good. We've hardly touched but probably best that way. Then I let him be & I got a happy mothers day text. That just made my day. I worked & it was horrible. He also restated that he hoped I had a happy mothers day in an email he sent with a song attachment. I want so badly to tell him my feelings. I can't though. I wished him a happy birthday the next day & told him I hoped he got spoiled. The following day he said his bday sucked. I tried asking questions... Mostly about his work routine & stuff to figure out something I could do.... But he actually got quite irritated & responded at one point with "wtf. 20 questions?" I know he probably often gets the third degree from home. It really hurt my feelings though. I apologized and told him I just felt bad his bday sucked. He said it's just cuz he has 3 teenagers. Anyway..... I'm falling so in love with him. And when he's upset I just want to hug him. To kiss him. To hold him & tell him that I think he's amazing. Because I do. I know I'm not the one who's been married to him for 20+ years.... But even in his moods... I want to. I just think he's a beautuful person.
I feel like I'm horrible for feeling so in love with him. I shouldn't want him. I've prayed about it almost 2 years now. I can't stop desiring him. I don't know if he got so upset cuz he felt like he was being interrogated or if he's having conflicting feelings... Or both. He did proceed to thoroughly answer my questions. He's a great man. A great physician, a man of God, a great father & he has a good heart. I know it should pray for him to be happy & have a healthy relationship with his wife. I mostly pray for strength to walk away. I can't though. He's invited me to his church.... And I'm checking it out. I feel like I need this man. Yep....this enter is back & forth, all over the place. And me me me, I I I.

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